Writing books is an absolute pain in the ass sometimes. Or at least it is when I make it be that way.
I gave out beta copies last month and promised myself I wouldn’t touch this draft until I get the copies back (which will be by the time this post goes live). That way, I could do one last run-through of the story from beginning to end before getting it ready to send off to agents and seeing where it sticks–if anywhere.
I. Promised.
Instead, the hell do I do? I add another almost 5k words in the name of fleshing things out further.
To be clear, I’m not one of those people who writes way too much and has to cut it down. I am guilty of writing too little, so that it’s barely even a draft and not just an outline, and then expanding from there so I can get all my thoughts down before they float away into the abyss. And to be even more fair, I went from having one stupidly long dark romance to wanting to break it up into three decent-sized books–namely so I would have the ability to expand enough to make it the story I want it to be.
I could have spent my time working on drafting the second book (which I have definitely done some of), but the ridiculous amount of sense of sheer wrongness won’t let me dive head first until book one is 100% good to go. Basically I don’t want my notes to mix in my notebook, and I don’t want to use a different notebook until this one is full. I don’t know, man, it’s a lot of excuses, but it’s fine.
So anyway, I guess my point is that the copy I sent out for beta is not the most current. Whoops.
I guess I just wanted to check in to say that work is being done, and I am nervous to send it out, namely because dark romance is more niche than I would have thought. There’s a billion agents taking romance, but like five who might maybe consider dark romance. At least ones I’m finding on QT.
Anyway, I’m a failure, but I’m also feeling pretty good about being a failure. 🙂
Vincent Blaire, world-renowned masked magician and Illusionist from Hell, carries his eccentricities with him everywhere he goes, both on stage and off. No one has ever seen him without his trademark mask and gloves, not even the love of his life. He keeps a cool distance, and while he would give her the world if she’d ask for it, he is always careful to never lay a hand on her.
Vincent is a master of avoidance, whether it be direct answers to questions or accepting his own emotions. He drowns himself in a cocktail of bourbon and opium whenever he feels the world crashing down around him, content to lean back and notice the beauty in the way it crumbles. When he loves, he’s unapologetically loyal, putting them upon a pedestal where they can do no wrong and nothing can touch them.
Vincent is as pale as he is tall (very). Though he enjoys the thrill of having all eyes on him on stage, he enjoys his privacy more. His favorite place to be is home, preferably with his wife breathing the same air as him, but lately those terms seem to be happening less and less.
Hey there. Quick little update. I am ohhhhhhh about two chapters away from this second draft of the first book being donezo. It’s exciting and scary all at once. At the moment, I’m sitting pretty at 45k words, and I would like to be between 55-60k for the final product. Honestly, the jump in word count is a little concerning, but my original plan was just to have her ready to go to beta by the end of this month, so there’s some buffer to go back through and add as needed as plot points spring up at random times and all that jazz. Plus, I think I can have the two chapters done by the beginning of next week if everything falls into place like I hope. So it’ll be like draft 2.5 by the time it’s out of my hands and into the hands of someone else.
I’m also going to try recruiting a couple more people for beta over on Facebook here in the next couple days. If you’re not already, you should give me a follow over there.
That’s all I got for now. I’ve been in writing mode for the past several weeks with very little time for much else. I did finish A Light in the Flame by Jennifer Armentrout a while back and that story stuck with me, so in my free time (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) I might pop over here and rant and rave about it and representation. I have a lot to say about it. For real. It’s been weeks since I put it down and Sera and Nyktos are still residing in my mind rent free.
Until next time, when I plan to write a little love letter to myself over a glass of champagne to celebrate another step closer to publishing, whether it be by the professionals or by little ol’ me.
Well hello there, Void I Scream Into Sometimes. Just wanted to give a small update that as of yesterday evening, the first draft of my next project is complete. Now comes the fun part: fleshing out plot points and editing what’s already there. Basic structure is there; it just needs brought to life!
This whole story is out of my comfort zone for what I’ve written most recently, but it’s right up high school fanfiction me’s alley. Dark romance is the only romance worth reading or writing in my ever so humble opinion. And also in my ever so humble opinion, this will be the best thing I’ve written to date. It’s also the most ambitious. I made the executive decision to split up this story into three separate books. There’s just too much going on to have it all in one novel.
Where to go from here? I’ll write up a second draft of this first section with a tentative deadline of March 31st, where I’ll hand it off to someone to beta. Another polish, and I’ll employ an editor to polish it better. I want to shoot to get this one published traditionally, but the backup plan as always is to self pub through the company we all love to hate.
While I’ve been drafting this, I’ve been reading a lot more romance than I ever have in my life. I tried out some dark romances, but they weren’t the flavor I wanted to read. I guess they were more erotica between Person A and Person B, but that’s all they really gave me. I couldn’t find chemistry in any of them that lasted more than a couple pages. So I moved on to fantasy romance, since it’s more likely to touch on the dark themes that keep it interesting for me. ACOTAR was a good one. I’ve reviewed those books before, but the series ended, or at very least I reached the end of what’s published for now, so I delved into From Blood And Ash, fell in love, and then jumped into Shadow in the Ember, and now I’m a fan for life. Sera and Nyktos are just…ah, chef’s kiss.
What I’m trying to get at without getting too long winded is that I am striving to have that same captivating dynamic for Vincent and Vivian as Jennifer Armentrout created for her characters.
Reading this genre started as research and now I’m emotionally invested. It’s a fun time. 🙂
In the meantime, as I rewrite this baby, do you have any recommendations for dark romances that I should read? I crave dark themes, character introspection, and morally grey to villainous leads. Sexual tension and rocky moments where you aren’t sure if they will ever forgive each other are a must. Gothic vampire aesthetic is a bonus.
The wedding is over, life is starting to slow down, and words are being written. I put off working on any projects for a good three months to get everything together, and just like when I stopped to move, the time away from my laptop was killing me. But now, I’m back, and more motivated than ever.
I still have some queueing up to do over here and on the socials, but while I’m padding time, I wanted to leave you something to sit and salivate over: my Pinterest mood board for my next (and, in my ever so humble opinion, greatest) work. I left you with a rough first chapter last time, and a playlist a couple times before that, so I think in a roundabout way I’m aiming to hit all the senses, but I honestly don’t know how to do touch and taste. Yet. I’ll figure it out.
Anyway, without further bullshit, here’s that sweet, sweet link to some sweet, sweet pics (there is a preview below but the good stuff is in the full version here). I hope they tickle your fancy as much as they do mine.
We fucked. I won’t waste my time lying to you, partially because I’ve never been one to paint myself in a favorable light, partially because I’m not great at lying. In all things, I find honest is the best policy, because if you get caught, the lie just makes the punishment that much worse. My shoulders and neck supported more of my weight than I would’ve liked to admit, and my guts felt like they were slopping around inside me and squeezing the air out of my lungs. Overdramatic? Certainly, but that didn’t change the fact that having my legs slung over his shoulders while he rammed into me made my face turn several shades of purple while I could hear the blood pulsing in my ears.
We fucked, and it wasn’t beautiful. It was dirty and messy and rough. If my life were a movie, they wouldn’t include this scene. It would be a fade-to-black, and the audience would let their imaginations run wild, and every single one of them would have been wrong. If my life were a porno, this scene would only show up on the seedy websites that you had to trash your computer after you got off because there was no getting rid of the trojan that bust down the door to the hard drive. You would watch this while touching yourself and a part of yourself would wonder if the disclaimer at the beginning was true or if you were indeed watching someone be raped on camera. Was this video illegal? Would the cops come busting down your door? Just how old was this girl? It said barely legal, but she looks younger than that.
In another place, another time, I would have been younger than that, but it wouldn’t have been marketed as barely legal because that’s not what brings in the big bucks. But that’s neither here nor there. At the end of the day, there was no camera, I was of age, and nothing was being done to me that I didn’t already want. It was sick, but maybe I was a little bit sick, too.
He let me down to change positions, and even though I liked the guy, I’m confident it had very little to do with me having a hard time breathing and very much to do with my legs making his shoulders a little uncomfortable from the strain. With swift but clumsy hands, he spread my legs apart, then changed his grip so that my left leg stayed high in the air and my right was planted firmly into the stained hotel mattress. Another strain, but he didn’t push me hard enough for my muscles to tear. He was a bit of a sadist, but he was no monster. Each thrust was more violent than the last, too deep for my liking, but my cries of pain just egged him on. The tears rolling down my face could have been real or could have been part of the act. It was hard to tell sometimes.
“Oh, Daddy, please no more,” I moaned. Even though he was old enough to be my father, he wasn’t, and honestly, that kind of roleplay weirded me out. Not just the pet name, but the begging. Struggling I could do. Screaming, hell, I was among the best in a few underground BDSM scenes. I could take any pain that was dished out to me and still make it to work on time the next day. Begging though… Begging just seemed too, well, intimate. Too real for my tastes.
But, ironically, beggers can’t be choosers and all that nonsense, so whatever Jonathan wanted Jonathan got.
“Baby Girl you’re doing so good for Daddy.”
I tried not to listen to him. His voice was nice, but the words that came out of his mouth whenever we did this killed the mood for me. He lifted my left leg further up, apparently stuck in a delusion where Baby Girl was a fucking gymnast and not just his former employee taking on a fantasy for his benefit.
“Fuck, Vivian, keep talking. God fucking damnit keep it up.”
Well, money was money, right?
“No please no more.”
“Like you mean it or I’ll shove it in your ass I swear to fuck.”
Motivation at its finest. I let what I wanted fall by the wayside, letting my emotions go with them. I did what I was known for back then—putting on a real horrorshow. I ugly cried and struggled to get away, all while pushing myself against him, letting him so far in me it hurt. I called him whatever he wanted me to call him, I begged him to stop, I let him imagine I didn’t want this even though I could feel myself getting closer to that sweet release that I was almost ashamed of.
And then he pulled out of me and shoved his dick down my throat just before he came. Fucking… That wasn’t part of the deal, and if I could do anything but gag around his length, I would bite down just to make a point.
Fucking Jonathan.
“Holy fuck that was good,” he gasped, making one final thrust against my face for good measure before pulling out of my mouth that I wished could turn into a Venus flytrap at just that moment to take the whole thing off. Instead, I wiped the slobber from my chin and glared at him.
“I told you. No ass. No mouth.”
He had the audacity to smirk at me while he rolled off the bed to retrieve his clothes from the grimy floor. No apologies to be found, but if I’m being honest, I think I would be more concerned if he did. Jonathan was a long list of adjectives that I would gladly put into a giant spreadsheet if I had enough time, but asshole didn’t necessarily equate bad. Like I said, I liked the guy well enough. If I didn’t, I would have stopped coming a long time ago. We didn’t have an obligation anymore to do these sorts of things. That tie had severed.
“Same time next week?”
I rolled my eyes and groaned as dramatically as I possibly could, pouting up at him as I reached blindly for my own clothing.
“Come on, Viv. You liked it.”
I did. But I also didn’t. It was complicated.
“Hey I gotta go. Text me when you’re free.”
He kissed my forehead and was out the door before I had a chance to put my bra back on. He had to go. Sure he did. Always in such a rush conveniently after he got off. It wasn’t that I was jealous.
My phone pinged right on cue, the funds for the room transferred to my Venmo.
It wasn’t that I was jealous. It was just that he never took it upon himself to do the walk of shame to the front desk. Somewhere in history women took it upon themselves to demand equal rights and going dutch and paying for things themselves on behalf of all women without the courtesy of asking the rest of women everywhere if that was what they wanted. Lord knows I didn’t sign up for it. Not to mention—
“Oh fuck.”
How could I forget?
I threw my clothes on and rushed out the door, not caring if it closed behind me or not. If a druggie took the opportunity to sneak in and shoot up before the poor excuse for cleaners made it to that sweltering sex hole, so be it. Not my problem.
The guy behind the counter (serious chi-mo vibes from the mustache) took his sweet ass time accepting the payment as if we hadn’t been down this road at least twelve dozen times before (yes you can take it from my phone sir you just have to hit the god damn button on your register and no I will not accept anything you are trying to offer me just cash me out and let me go), but thank heavens the transaction only took five minutes instead of the average eleven, but it was still too long for me to make any sort of much needed headway.
The black sedan was in my name, but it was far from mine. I don’t know if it felt that way because I hardly ever drove it or if it was because I didn’t pay for it with my own money. Maybe a little bit of both. Maybe that’s why I felt like there was a rock in my stomach despite everything. I jumped in and sped off, checking the time to see if I had enough of it to warrant stopping by somewhere to pick up something, anything, but I was already late and couldn’t afford to make it worse.
I sped down the backroads that would have taken anyone else longer to reach their destination, but my foot was lead against the pedal. It was just half past six and traffic on the main roads would still be a nightmare as people filtered out of their day jobs. A part of me envied them as I reached the city limits. What I wouldn’t give for their sense of normalcy. Of course, that’s how things always worked, wasn’t it? You get what you asked for, what you wanted at the time, and then you realize it’s not what you wanted at all.
For a split second I fantasized losing control of the vehicle and rolling six times off the side of the road, only to be found a couple days later by a passing tourist who got lost on their way to one of those back door access only clubs that were super exclusive. I’d either be dead or be on my way there, but if I were on my way there, I’d only end up in the hospital and receive the best of the best care until I was well enough to go home. Or maybe, just maybe, something would go wrong while I was there, and the final thing I would hear would be the drone of the heart monitor just before I lost consciousness and took my last breath.
“What the fuck is wrong with me?”
Your guess is as good as mine.
The driveway seemed longer and more ominous than I remembered, but I think that was less to do with the actual driveway and more to do with nerves. I cut the lights early out of habit, even though it’s pointless. There’s no hiding this.
I checked my hair in the mirror before I got out. It looked a mess. So did my makeup. No time. All I could do was hope I didn’t walk in smelling like sex.
Not that he would know what that smelled like.
I take a deep breath before stepping out. In with the good, out with the bad. It’s colder outside here than in town. The sky always hangs low in the air, overcast without the promise of sun rays to break through the gloom and doom.
If I didn’t know better, I would be as bold to say it was something to do with him.
There was no quietly opening the arched front door. The solid metal trimmed wood was too heavy, the hinges too squeaky. This home was less mansion and more medieval castle, but less fairy tale and more gothic Dracula. The aesthetic was a little on the nose, but I just reminded myself that at one point in my life, this was exactly what I wanted.
“Hey, sorry I’m late,” I announced to the darkness within as I muscled the door closed. “Traffic was an absolute nightmare.”
Silence answers me like an old friend. Maybe he’s sleeping? Maybe he forgot, too?
“Rush hour is something awful. Everyone all in a hurry to go nowhere,” I reason with the quiet.
Shut up, Vivian, you already know you can’t lie for shit. Not to him.
The sconces on the walls sparked to life one by one, and at one point in my life, I would have been amazed at the magic show that was just for me. Don’t get me wrong, the effort was still novel, but a part of me only felt annoyance (and maybe a little bit of dread) as his footsteps echoed down the hall. The first thing the light caught was his suit, slim and trim and fashionable if you were into the gothic vampire look. He was all dark and eccentric; he was not a modern century man, but a Transylvanian prince frozen in time. Today he chose a full matte black mask that swallowed the light. I could barely see his eyes through the shadows.
He doesn’t say a word, not a single sound, as he stares down at me. I brace myself out of habit, not for anything he’s ever said or done but for everything that’s ever happened before he ever knew I existed.
I try to meet his gaze, but ultimately fail. Just another thing to add to the list.
I hear him take a breath as if he’s about to speak, but after a few seconds he flicks his wrist and the door opens behind me (never mind that I struggle with the damn thing every time I leave this house or mansion or castle or whatever it’s supposed to be called). I sidestep out of his path, and he moves past me, closing the door behind him with such force (naturally without touching it) and the candles extinguish.
I’m left alone in the dark. I almost wish he were the type to lash out. Getting angry is more than what I’ve been getting. Getting angry at least would let me know that he cares, even a little.
I catch myself rolling my shoulders, back and forth, up and down, as if I can shrug all these feeling festering inside me away once and for all. You’d think I’d know better. Fuck, you’d think I’d be used to it by now, or that if it bothered me so god damn bad that I would up and quit. One way or another, you would think I’d learn by now.
The only thing I’ve learned thus far in life is that I’m a fucking idiot.
I would send a passive aggressive text if he had a cell phone, but he doesn’t. He’s stuck in the 18th century. I’d have better luck reaching him by bird. A part of me wishes I had the know-how—I definitely have the pettiness!
It’s official! I have physical copies! Why is it Amazon always rushes books your way when you’re buying from them, but if you’re getting author copies they take their sweet sweet time?
Eh, I think we all know the answer to that.
and there’s more where that came from, babyyy
You can now purchase Zemblanity here in paperback and as an ebook. Or, if special is more your style, you can contact me and I will ship you a signed copy with some freebies. Shoot me a message via the contact form, Facebook, or email for more information!
I really love making playlists for books I’m working on, and I wanted to share the one for my current WIP. I’ve talked about it a little before, but the main thing you need to know is it’s not like Zemblanity or Itsy Bitsy. This is new uncharted territory babyyy.
What Should Have Been Love is a dark romance about a former prostitute and an edgy magician. Toxic doesn’t even begin to describe their relationship.
Anyway, here is some music that is serving me some heavy doses of inspiration. I hope the songs stir something up in you, too. 😉
The first thing he noticed was a steady beeping noise surrounding him. The second thing: the gradual tremors he told himself time and time again were all in his head. Addiction was mind over matter. That’s what Rebecca told him when he was kicking the habit in her house. It was all mind over matter, and if he told himself he didn’t need it, well…
And it was all easy to say when you put it like that but in practice it was hell. He stopped sniffing blow and drinking whatever had the strongest proof two years ago. It should be over. The need should be done.
As he seeped seamlessly into consciousness, his other senses kicked in, namely his sense of pain. Aches ranging from dull pounds to sharp stabs here and there ever changing and intermixing. He felt like he was literally hit by a sixteen-wheeler and thrown off other edge of a cliff into the spiky rocks below and God did not have the mercy to let him slip away.
His vision made it all worse. He was dizzy. Again and again he reached at wires and cables, confused, more confused than afraid. The lights were bright, and he was plugged in. He was a computer. They were pumping his mind for knowledge only he had. They were stealing his life force. Soon Allyson would come and spirit him away from this world and into the next with her dark, dark mind and her dark, dark monsters.
He blinked hard, then reopened wide. Repeat. Each time the world got a little clearer. Wires and cables were no more than tubes and needles. Same thing but different implication. He wasn’t a computer. That was the main thing. Clear bags hung above his bed filled with God only knew what. Screens with lines and numbers he didn’t understand. Antiseptic and infection scents wafted through the stale air.
Little by little, the whys and hows came back to him.
Rienford walked Allyson back to her place. He remembered feeling a little more than discouraged but wasn’t ready to give up yet. He remembered she was different from what he imagined. He remembered that he almost liked her, or at very least a piece of her. He remembered that he understood why Rebecca was so reluctant to partake once she knew who she was, and he planned to call her just as soon as he got to the park bench he was considering calling home for the next few days. Rebecca gave him a nice wad of cash to get him a room and food, not that she had the means necessarily to afford it, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. He wanted to hold onto the bills a little longer. Just in case of an emergency. Just in case the need arose where he was in a dark alley and was threatened at gunpoint to empty his pockets.
There was no use lying to himself.
He kept the money because he liked the option of stopping by the convenience store for a bottle of liquor or in the dark ally to score packets of powder. He told himself he’d be strong and he wouldn’t do it, but he liked the option in case he changed his mind.
When he left Allyson’s apartment, it was the middle of the afternoon. The sun should have been shining in the sky. The forecast said a high of seventy and clear, so there was no reason for it to get as dark as it did. Rienford shrugged his shoulders and chalked it up to the weatherman once again not knowing what he was talking about. He thought he could do the job better, just like every other person in passing, meaningless small talk.
He happened upon not a dark alley, but a lamp post on a street corner. A stocky man with skin the shade ofo caramel left over an open flame for a second too long leaned against it wearing a jacket too heavy for the weather and a cigarette in his mouth. They eyed each other, both recognizing the other for what they were.
“You look like you could use a pick-me-up, amigo.”
Oh, did he ever.
But instead, he shook his head and walked on, hesitating only in intervals.
“Alright. But when you change your mind, you know where to find me.”
He ignored him, almost, only checking over his shoulder occasionally, watching this golden opportunity pass him by. He’d been solicited drugs before, even before he started using them, but never in someplace as open as a busy street corner in broad daylight. Either the man was incredibly stupid, or more likely, felt safe enough to do business this way. Was there some sort of dealer/police buy off going on? He didn’t know. He didn’t care to know (another lie). He told himself he didn’t need anything the guy was selling, and that he wouldn’t consider it an option unless absolutely necessary. He didn’t need anything right now, but if he bought some for later, he’d use it before he needed it for sure.
He needed to call Rebecca and get his head on straight.
The wind didn’t pick up until he was at least two miles away from her home. A slight breeze changed to gusts so hard he stumbled along with it. He thought of his plans with the park bench and changed his mind. As he walked, he tried to remember where he had seen the cheapest looking motel and decided south.
When the rain poured down, he concluded he didn’t care where he stayed anymore. It could be a couple hundred a night and that would be fine by him so long as he could find shelter from the rain coming down like needles. Heavy and parallel, it nearly knocked him off his feet.
Quickening his pace, he sought refuge from the oncoming storm at the side of a building. He didn’t bother trying to pen the doors to what looked to be a little tourist trap namely because he didn’t think he’d be able to get them pried open against the wind, but also because he needed a chance to catch his breath.
He couldn’t see, but he could feel the darkness all the same. Darkness beyond the surface. This wasn’t a normal storm. He didn’t know how it was possible, but he knew deep down that she was to blame for this. Things connected too perfect to be coincidental.
All roads led not to Rome, but to Allyson. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, she was playing a very dangerous game.
The wind howled against the side of the building so loud, he almost didn’t hear the person knocking on the window from the inside. They motioned for him to come around to the front door, and he nodded, clinging to his messenger bag as he braced himself once more to brave the storm in favor of somewhere dry and welcoming. He rushed almost in slow motion against the wind, trying to get to the person at the door as fast as possible. The person on the other side pushed against the door, giving it their all, and he pulled with all his might.
And then it happened.
He couldn’t remember what it was, and he didn’t know if he would have even had the time to make it out when he was there in the moment. He looked toward the sound of something as loud as a gunshot next to his head, and it struck him in the face, something either blisteringly hot or freezing cold, too extreme to tell the difference.
Everything went dark.
Rienford tried to reach for one of the tubes connected to the back of his hand, and the first couple of times he missed. His depth perception was gone. The beeping machines twittered faster as he struggled with the tubing before a team of people appeared from seemingly nowhere. They took hold of his arms and legs, holding him down to the bed, restricting his flailing appendages. Panic rose in the back of his throat, a bitter, almost metallic taste, and he fought them harder.
Little by little, the adrenaline pumping through him lessened, despite the fight or flight mindset still engraved in his desperate bones. His attempts to shake the hands from his body felt heavier, more sluggish. Drugged.
“Sir! Sir! You need to calm down!”
The face above him appeared to be shouting, but her voce sounded far away. Her perfectly groomed eyebrows were furrowed, making worry lines. She almost looked familiar, but he couldn’t place her.
He gave up fighting, favoring how his body felt heavy and light simultaneously. Completely relaxed. Rienford tried to focus again on the woman’s voice, but it was so quiet that he couldn’t make out the words. Sleep welcomed him with open arms, and he fell into them unashamed and unafraid.
Given enough time and circumstance, a person can change drastically. They can live the dream of their upper middle-class lifestyle, and in the blink of an eye—poof! There goes the house and kids. It could be financial difficulties, or emotional withdrawals, or pesky addictions, or a multitude of other situational hardships that leads to going from sleeping in a king-sized bed to finding the most comfortable spot on the curb. Finding their next meal becomes an adventure all on its own, searching the dumpster of the local strip mall parking lot, where discarded pizza slices mix with dirt and glass shards and rodent droppings.
Rienford could remember—he still had that luxury—when he would drive to the grocery store and scoff and scowl at the ones who stood on the corner of the parking lot. He’d honk his horn when they got too close and laugh when they startled and scuttled away like nervous crabs let loose on pavement far away from the shores of their watery habitat.
A year ago, the homeless were the scum of the earth. Today, he stood right along with them.
There was a small part of him, the part of him that still harbored shame in some form or another, that was nervous—frightened, even—as he trudged on their turf armed with nothing but a overnight duffle bag filled with water damaged newspapers and his wife’s urn. Would they remember him from his life before? Would they corner him and mug him for his…his what? He had nothing of value to give, same as them. He walked past them, and they paid him no more than a passing glance. They all stood on their own part of the street, an invisible wall separating each man and woman’s zone, all facing the traffic, holding cardboard signs in their hands and the weight of the world on their shoulders.
He stood near a lamp post until another man stared him down for the same spot, then moved to an area further down toward the grocery store. While the dumpster was tucked away near the side of the building and nowhere near the road, he was close enough to smell the rotting garbage. His stomach ached for food, any food, and for a brief moment he contemplated venturing into the bin to see what was salvageable. But he couldn’t right now. Not in broad daylight. Even if he could handle the stares and silent judgement, he didn’t want cops called. Besides, he hadn’t come for food. There were more pressing matters at hand. No, food could wait until dusk. After they were closed down for the night he could scavenge to his heart’s content.
People came and people left again. Most passed him by without so much as a second glance. He didn’t receive nearly as much attention as the ones with the signs further down, but that was good and well as far as he was concerned. He didn’t want a lot. He only needed a handful of quarters. Walking to the cars that slowed seemed like it would be easier than finding a marker to write with. He didn’t account for the sheer number of nervous single mothers who’d floor it the second he stepped off the curb. At this time of day, that was all he was getting. Bunch of white girls tripping, itching to go home and call their girlfriends or fuck buddies and tell them about the crazy black guy who was this close to robbing them or raping them or just straight up killing them.
“Never mind that I just want some damn quarters,” he muttered under his breath.
He gave up walking up to people and resorted to cruising the parking lot for fallen change instead. In hindsight, he didn’t know why he hadn’t tried it sooner. It took him a little under ten minutes to find four dollars-worth—two dollars of that in quarters. He’d wasted an hour on the endeavor. Was two dollars of quarters enough? He wasn’t for certain. When had he last used a payphone? Thirty years or more if his memory was correct, but who was counting? All he knew was this was the one supermarket nearby that still had a working payphone.
Rienford stepped inside the door, ready for armed guards to rush him back to the pavement, but it never happened. In fact, no one seemed to notice he was there at all. Perfect.
He pushed four quarters into the slot. The speaker gurgled in his ear, a metallic static echoing in his head. It rang again, again, again. Would she still be there? Would she have changed her number? Would she even answer if she were on the other end? Or would the dollar he deposited into the slot be for nothing? His stomach cried for the candy bar that could have been.
God, what would he say when she picked up? If she picked up?
A subtle blip, a rustling on the other end of the phone, the other end of the state. He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until his vision wavered on the sides, and when he caught it again, he spotted a familiar form in his peripheral. He forced himself to swallow the lump in his throat, choosing to focus on the worn spots on the number keys. Looking her in the eye would kill him. He was sure of it.
He missed her, but she was dead, and dead she should remain.
At long last, a human voice sounded over the electronic blips:
“Hello?”
“Abbigale.”
A sigh on the other end. “I told you to stop calling me, Timothy.”
He knew he’d be treading on thin ice by calling her, but she was the only one who knew what happened that day. She was the only one who could grasp the extent of what he was going through.
“No, no, no, don’t hang up. Please. Just listen to me, okay? Please?”
“No, you listen. I told you before, I’m not doing it.”
For a second, he didn’t have the faintest idea what she meant by that. Was she reading his mind? Could she read minds? Hell, he was willing to believe anything at this point. He caught himself before delving further down that road, however. Or, rather, the sharp pain in his head caught him. She wasn’t thinking about Death in her sundress. She assumed he needed money again to pay for whatever bullshit he weaved the last time several times she gave in. Of course, every cent he received went to one habit or another, even when he wasn’t planning on it (or especially when he was).
“I’m not asking you to—”
“Get yourself some help, Tim. You won’t get it from me this time.”
“Abbigale, please. Just hear me out. Please?”
Rienford wiped the sweat from his brow and rubbed his hand on the back of his pants. He felt grimy. When was the last time he showered?
The silence on the other end was deafening. He worried she hung up on him, but there was no dial tone or the rapid beeps announcing the call was dropped. Still, he had to check. He had to be sure.
“Abbigale.”
“What, Timothy. I’m listening. What do you want this time.”
Hope swelled through him, mixed with something like desperation. He tried to think past his headache and his thirst and the itch in his nose, and most of all tried to not focus on how good something, anything, would be right about now. Maybe if he had something, his head wouldn’t be splitting down the center and he’d be able to think straight.
“I need help.”
More help than the booze or the drugs could offer. He needed to stay on track. Focus. Death was coming. No amount of uppers or downers or anything would stop her from happening.
“Tim—”
“No, wait. Hear me out on this, okay? It’s not like you think. I’m not asking to get fucked up this time, okay?”
“Yeah, and you didn’t ask for it the other times either but look what you did.”
The insult stung, but just on the surface. Deep down, he couldn’t feel it. Deep down, he didn’t know if he could feel much of anything.
“Abbigale, please. Just keep an open mind and listen to what I have to say.”
Silence on the other end. He took it as confirmation and continued.
“I’ve had a really bad string of luck, and everything is starting to come unraveled. They cut off the electricity. They shut off the water. I’m going to be evicted from my home.”
“Yeah, helps if you go to work and pay your bills, doesn’t it?”
“I’m not looking for a handout or sympathy,” he retorted. “I’m clean. I’m sober.” That was leaps and bounds more optimistic than the reality of the situation that it wasn’t by choice but by lack of funds, true, but she didn’t need to know the dirty details. The less she knew on that, the better it was for the both of them.
“Timothy, you better get to the point or I’m going to hang up.” Her tone was exasperated, but her words quivered, as if she were about to cry.
Best to just get right down to it, then.
“I think she cursed me, but I think I know how to cure myself.”
There was that silence again. It dragged out for an eternity. Then, a heavy sigh on the other end, followed by some mumbled words that Rienford couldn’t make out.
“It’s that girl. The one from the alley. Where I found you.”
“Tim.” Abbigale’s voice was sharp, though hushed, as if she didn’t want anyone else to overhear. “Stop it. You stop it right now.”
But he couldn’t.
“No, listen, it all makes sense, right? The bad luck is all her doing. It’s been her all along. Things didn’t go this way until I saw her. It’s like she’s some sort of witch or Medusa or some other monster, and she puts hexes on people. She either tries to kill them, or she hexes them. Some sort of voodoo bullshit, you know?”
“Tim, we’ve been over this, and I don’t want to have the same conversation again.”
He laughed. He couldn’t help himself.
“What do you mean, the same conversation? This isn’t the same thing at all. This has never been so clear to me before as it is right now. It’s not the same. It’s not what you think.”
“What we saw that night was the product of trauma and an overactive imagination. It wasn’t real. The sooner you accept it, the better off you’ll be.”
“No! You listen!”
While before, people would steal glances from the corner of their eye, they all stopped what they were doing at the booming sound of Rienford’s voice reverberating off the steel ceiling of the grocery store, the slam of his hand against the top the payphone that was less a machine and more a fashion statement. So much for a discreet in and out.
He looked over his shoulder at each person, making eye contact for a second or two before meeting the next. Everyone averted their gaze when he looked at them, but their stare continued the instant he looked away. His heart pounded in his ears. Breath whooshed in and out in shallow gasps. His eyes stung like he had rubbed them with salt.
He wanted more than anything to take the outburst back; if not for his embarrassment in the spotlight, than for his desire to keep his secrets between himself and the only one who would ever understand. Rienford tried to keep his voice steady and low, but with every word, every syllable, it raised of its own accord.
“Listen to me. There’s not a lot of time. I was going to kill myself yesterday. Was it the day before? That part doesn’t matter, I guess. The point is that I was ready to do it for real this time. I asked God for a sign. I wanted to know if there was anything left to live for, or if I should cut my losses and just go to Hell where I belong. So, God knocked on my door. I don’t mean figuratively; I mean he for real knocked on my door. My front door.”
Rienford paused to let that first bit soak in. It was hard to understand if you weren’t there, but he had so much faith in Abbigale. She’d been there before. She knew what happened, even if she was in denial about it. That girl in the alley was real. That monster she had with her was real.
“I open the door, and there’s the newspaper right in front of it on the ground. No paperboy in sight. Just the paper. And on top of that, there’s at least fifty or so other papers in a pile at the corner of the porch. If this weren’t a gift from God, a sign from God, why wasn’t the paper with the rest of the ones in the corner?”
He meant it as a rhetorical question, but Abbigale, in her own true fashion, took it upon herself to answer anyway.
“Well, Tim, I can think of a bunch of reasons why. The paperboy had better aim this time, I’d say. I don’t think this is any sign from God. I think you’re looking for something that isn’t there.”
Just when he thought he was numb to it all, his heart dropped when she spoke.
“Don’t get me wrong,” she continued. “I’m glad you didn’t kill yourself. I think that if believing in God is what it takes, then fine. But I know how this goes. I’ve seen it before. Eventually the hyper fixation will end, and you’ll be back in the same spot. You need help, Tim. Before it comes to that and you either wake up in a hospital bed or don’t wake up at all.”
Rienford’s mouth worked while he forced the lump in his throat back down. He knew this conversation would be hard, but he had no idea she would be so difficult to reason with while most would believe him at his word.
This wasn’t crazy talk. This was the Lord.
“That girl put a hex on me! She tried to kill you, and she cursed me with bad luck. The only reason you don’t have it too is because she thinks you’re dead, but she knows I’m still alive. It makes sense if you think about it. Things were fine before I saw her. Then after that, Tish, the booze, the drugs, my job, my house, everything!”
Each and every word poured out of him before he could stop it. Nothing he could hope to do would stop the frantic pace of the truth rolling out of him like air.
“I just need your help. I just need somewhere to stay for a night or two and some money to get me to Aksarban. I think that’s where she’s at now. We can look through the papers to be sure, make sure I’m not missing pieces of the puzzle, but I have a hunch she’s there. I swear to God I’ll pay you back double as soon as I get the money. I’ll give you all my bank cards and credit cards as collateral for when it happens. You know I’m good for the money. You know I am. I worked for a lawyer for over ten years, I’m good for the money when I get it. I just need a little pick-me-up.”
How far that pick-me-up went was anyone’s guess. But if he spent a little on some powder on the way, it was all for the greater good. It’d keep him focused. For the greater good. Not to get high, but to help him make a difference. A real difference.
“Just a jumpstart to get me where I need to be. Please, I just need a ride. I went to your house and you weren’t there and I just…”
Had she moved away? Had she moved far away, and was he the reason? Or was he being paranoid?
“I just need help, Abbigale. Please. Help me.”
The silence on the other end crackled as he moved the phone cord aimlessly with his other hand. How many eternities of quiet could fit into one conversation? And then:
“Timothy Rienford. If you call me one more time, I’m calling the police. Lose my number. And get yourself some help.”
A click, and then the dial tone’s oppressive drone. Even though he knew she was gone, she was finished, he couldn’t stop himself from saying her name, over and over, louder and louder, while the sweat ran into his eyes and the tears cut through the dirt on his cheeks. Everyone stared at him, but no one approached. There was at least a ten-foot perimeter around him, lest no one be within reaching distance should he decide to strike. He felt like a caged animal. A circus freak.
He wiped at the tears with the heel of his hand, flinching when the motion pushed more sweat into his already stinging eyes, and felt around his pockets for more change. There was one more phone call to make, one more person who wouldn’t turn him away, no matter what he did.
By the fourth ring, he saw two police officers cut through the crowd, making their way right toward him. He wished Abbigale had stayed on the line just a minute so he could tell her that either her wish was coming true, or if she hadn’t meant it, there was just another piece of evidence of his bad luck. He was about to get arrested and go to jail, all over a misunderstanding and that he wasn’t as clean as the rest of the lot. Rienford knew for a fact that had he shown up in his work suit, he would have been given a pass for his outburst over the phone. The successful were allowed to lose their temper whenever they so pleased. It was a standard that didn’t extend to the less fortunate. If they so much as looked at someone wrong, they were chastised, they were taken away, their mug shot was shared with the world online and everyone got a chance to weigh in their thoughts on the matter. How many would recognize him as the man who lost his wife just the year before?
At last, the sweet sound of a human voice greeted him, but not in the form of a real live person, but a prerecorded message, followed by a notice that the voicemail box was full. Not only would he not be able to get her, but she also wouldn’t even know who called. She’d assume it was from a telemarketer and forget about it, choosing to go to work over investigate who tried to call.
Rienford hung up the phone and turned around to face his two new adversaries. He tried to stay calm, but his body felt jittery and sick, and he couldn’t know for certain if his body was crying for food or booze or cocaine, but he was out of all three, so he supposed it didn’t make much of a difference at this point. He’d be in jail soon anyway. At least he could get on of the three for certain in the big house, and maybe the other two, too, if he played his cards right. Surely someone inside had a connection or two.
“Hey there, buddy. Heard you were having a bit of a disagreement on the phone earlier. Wanna tell me about that?” one of the men asked, moving his thick moustache from side to side with a twitch of his upper lip. His uniform had a stain on the collar, and Rienford couldn’t tell if it was from jelly or coffee or lipstick.
“Just a little spat with the girlfriend, sir.” The lie slid from his lips like slime from his mouth.
The policeman who spoke looked him up and down and back up again. Rienford swayed his weight from one foot to the other so often it looked like he was getting ready to bust a move right in front of everybody in the store. All eyes were on him, watching his every movement. He was on display, and he never felt more naked in his life.
“What are your plans today, buddy?” the cop asked.
“Plans?”
“Yeah. Plans. Where you off to after this?”
“Oh, um.” Rienford didn’t know why the officer wanted a timeline of his day to day, except for maybe he did. If he had to guess, he’d be willing to wager that the cop didn’t care. He was just buying time before he ultimately arrested him for… For what? He didn’t do anything wrong, did he? Granted, he wasn’t supposed to be here, but was the reasoning enough to toss him in jail? Rienford hadn’t formally been banned, and he hadn’t stolen anything this time. All he wanted was to use the damn payphone. There was no law against that. He should know. Even though he didn’t carry the title or make the wages, he still got the cases ready for his former boss. You didn’t have to go to school for ten years to do your own research. “I guess I hadn’t thought that far.”
From the look on the silent cop’s face, that was the wrong answer. He tried again. “I didn’t have an agenda for today, officer. Just needed to stop in to use the phone.”
“Good, that’s very good.” His tone was thick and patronizing. “Since you don’t have anything else to do on what I’m sure is normally a very busy schedule, why don’t you come with us.” It wasn’t a question, but Rienford treated it as such.
“I dunno, man. Is there a problem?”
“We just had a couple questions for you.”
“Then why can’t you ask me here?”
His eyes darted from one cop to the other, then stole quick glances from the crowd. They were closing in on him, all of them, and he watched in horror as they closed off every exit. If he needed to run, he’d have to go through someone, and he was terrified that they’d grab onto him and never let him go. He just needed some air. He needed to get outside and get some air.
“Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy! You okay there?”
“Uh, uh, yeah. Yeah. I’m cool.”
“You don’t look it.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I get that a lot.”
“You been taking part in any extracirriculars today, buddy?”
“No. No, why, uh, why do you say, uh, say that?”
“Why do you think?”
The silent cop took a step forward, hand resting on the butt of his handgun. Rienford took a step back.
“Hey, man, I don’t know what you think, and I don’t know what you’re doing, or why you are here getting in my face when I wasn’t doing anything wrong!” His vocal cords stung as he spoke, his voice grittier than normal. He was an animal trapped in a corner, and his teeth were bared.
“I’m going to need you to lower your voice.”
“I’m going to need you to get the hell out of my way!”
“Calm down, buddy.”
“No! There ain’t shit to be calm about right now! This is a free country! I have every right to be angry!”
A voice, light and fleeting in the back of his head, pleaded reason, but it was drowned out by the indignance he felt.
“You can be angry all you want, but you’re going to have to control yourself of we’re going to have a problem.”
“Why do you want me to go with you?!”
“We can talk when we get there. Let’s go to the car and everything will be explained.”
“I know my rights!”
The cop with the moustache held out his hands and took a few more tentative steps toward him, and the silent one mumbled something into the radio on his shoulder. Things were spiraling out of control, and fast. His legs were shaking so bad that they barely held him upright, and the only think that would keep him standing, the only thing to keep him from collapsing where he was, was to move. He just needed air, and the fastest way to the outside was to his right were the sliding glass doors offered freedom with neon letters.
Rienford sidestepped the cop with the moustache and skipped past his partner, rushing to the exit. He was almost to his destination, where he told himself he would stop to let them catch up, he told himself he would stop right at the threshold so they wouldn’t think he was running away, but he didn’t think his legs would listen, or that the adrenaline would quiet. He was almost there when something stuck in his back and pushed him down with a jolt of electricity. Other people laughed while he screamed, pulling out their phones and rolling their eyes back so only the whites showed. Later, he wouldn’t judge them for it, for he knew deep down he would have done the exact same thing a few years prior. But now, it just made him furious, fuming with rage, and that anger was just the push he needed to crawl a few more feet.
He was Moses, and the people were the Red Sea; they parted when he approached and left a trail for the cops to follow. The cops could have tased him again before he reached the threshold, or after he made it all the way across, but instead chose to wait until he was halfway in between the faulty sliding doors, so that they would sometimes close on his jittering form before springing back open and doing the same thing again a few seconds later.
It wasn’t enough to stop him. They had to humiliate him, too. They had to give all the good citizens of Hallstin a show so the one with the best shot could be trending on social media.
What was worse was not the door or the two separate sets of wires from the taser, but the sudden warmth in his pants, and for the life of him, he didn’t know which end it came from. Even if he didn’t just have electricity running through his body he would be trembling from the nervous shame that followed a grown man pissing or shitting himself.
Rienford prayed to God that this was rock bottom. He didn’t think there was anything that could bring him much lower.
Manda Kay Writes 